


Never Cool Again

by hollyandvice (hiasobi_writes)



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Bad Parenting, Best Friends, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Homophobia, Male Friendship, Music, Teenage Rebellion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27274159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiasobi_writes/pseuds/hollyandvice
Summary: They all come over to get his drum kit when his folks are at work one Thursday. It's not like they'll notice them at first; they've always been in the basement, and they don't go there anymore. Too close to the parts of Alex that they're trying to pretend don't exist. Too close to the parts of him that meant they wouldn't let Luke into the house on Monday.If there was no place for him in his parent's house, he'd follow his band to wherever they needed him to go.A study in why, exactly, Alex's parents were "never cool again" after he came out to them, and what that looked like for the band as a whole.
Relationships: Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson, Alex & Bobby | Trevor Wilson & Luke Patterson & Reggie, Alex & Luke Patterson & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex & Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 239





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this tumblr post](https://jesperr-fahey.tumblr.com/post/633348378374389760/man-so-im-thinking-about-alex-and-that-one-line) that perfectly summed up what I couldn't articulate about that line form 01x02. And then because I'm me, I OVER-articulated it into this fic. Enjoy?

The whole band had come over to get his drum kit when his folks were at work one Thursday. It wasn't like his folks would notice they were gone at first; they'd always been in the basement, and his folks didn't go there anymore. Too close to the parts of Alex that they were trying to pretend didn't exist. Too close to the parts of him that meant they wouldn't let Luke into the house two days ago.

If there was no place for him in his parent's house, then he'd follow his band to wherever they needed him to go.

* * *

That moment at the front door had been the last straw, the one thing that had made it clear that his parents' house wasn't his home any longer. He'd dealt with the cold silence and the way they didn't touch him or even really look at him anymore. He'd never needed to be the favorite son — Jake was always better for that than he was — but this is different than not being the favorite. This is being lower than low, being unwelcome in the house that had been his for years. The house he'd grown up in. He could have handled all of that, though, if they'd let the band keep playing in the basement.

But that hadn't happened.

It had taken a week after he'd come out — a week of no phone calls to the guys and being driven to and from school so that his folks could monitor him, an even greater insult because Kacey was driving now too, and she was allowed out on her own even though she was just on her learner's permit — for everything to fall apart. He'd managed to sneak away from his brother Jake to grab lunch with Luke, Reggie, and Bobby, and convinced them that things weren't as bad as they seemed, that maybe if they just came over and his parents could see that he could still have normal friendships with normal guys, then maybe they could let the whole sexuality thing go. Maybe they could all pretend he hadn't come out to them.

He'd stayed just long enough to pass the message along and then gone back to Jake and let his brother walk him to class. If things went well enough, then maybe everything could go back to normal.

The doorbell had rung a good ten minutes before the guys were supposed to be there. Luke, no doubt; he'd always been punctual when it came to music even if he couldn't manage it in any other part of his life. Alex was out of bed and down to the front door in under a minute, but his mother was faster than him.

"Luke. What can I do for you?"

Alex made it down in time to see the way Luke's face fell, something like disappointment and disbelief in his expression. His eyes flicked over to Alex, the quiet fire that always slept there coming to life. Luke stood up a little taller, meeting Alex's mom's eyes. "I'm here to see Alex."

Alex's heart tightened. It might have been the first time Luke had actually said that this was about him and not about their music. Alex started toward the door, but his mother turned to look at him over her shoulder. The sharpness in her eyes made it clear what she thought about this. She pursed her lips, raised an eyebrow and shook her head. Then she looked back out at Luke. "I'm afraid Alex can't come to the door right now."

"Mrs. Miller—"

"I don't want him associating with your type anymore. It's time he got serious about his studies. The music was fine for awhile, but there's no career in that."

"I didn't say anything about music, Mrs. Miller, I just haven't had a chance to talk to him in a while. With all those AP classes, he's been so busy at school that we can never seem to catch him alone. I just wanted to make sure that he's okay."

"He's just fine. Thank you for checking on him."

Alex forced himself to move. He couldn't stand there any longer, frozen and useless while Luke fought for their right to be a band. To be friends. If Luke could give that much for him, why couldn't he give the same for them? "Mom—"

His mom cut through his words as though he hadn't spoken. "I'm afraid I will not be allowing you _boys_ to spend any more time with my Alex. He needs to understand the way the world works. Understood?"

The implication was clear. Luke's eyes went wide and his jaw dropped slightly. It was an expression Alex had seen before, but only once, right before Luke exploded at his mom an hour before a gig a few months ago. That was no way to get his mother to listen; Alex had to stop him, but he wasn't going to be fast enough, and Luke was too reckless to listen anyway. Alex managed one more staggering step forward before his feet ground to a halt.

But Luke's eyes cut over to him, and the fire in his eyes banked to something less ferocious. The kind of fire that you forgot was there until it burned everything down. Luke swallowed, then gave a tiny nod, all the acknowledgement that Alex needed to know that this was exactly what he thought it was.

Then Luke looked back at his mom. "Of course, Mrs. Miller. I understand why you wouldn't want someone _like me_ around your son." He smirked, winked at Alex, and then turned on his heel, hips swaying ever so slightly on his way back down the walk like he hadn't just made himself an absolute _persona non grata_ in the Miller household. And the damn man wasn't even gay.

Alex couldn't keep a straight face, even as his mother slammed the door on Luke's retreating back. "Get back up to your room, Alex. You have plenty of schoolwork to do."

It was easier than Alex wished it was to school his face into something remorseful. This wasn't the warm, caring house that he'd grown up in anymore, and that was all on him. Jake and Kacey deserved better than the quiet sort of rage that had settled over their household. And his parents didn't need to watch their disgrace of a son slowly crumble into nothing in their precious home.

Because if he didn't have his music and if he was going to get shoved at every girl at church for the foreseeable future (this weekend had been bad enough) then he would crumble. For the first time, he could really see the way his life would unfold if he kept on this path. He'd spent so long trying to fit into the mold that his parents had created for him that if he didn't break out and become whatever— _whoever_ he was destined to be, then he'd be dead before he hit twenty. He wasn't sure how he knew that, but he did, in that bone-deep way that you knew things like your name or your gender or the kind of people you wanted to kiss.

"Well? Go on."

Alex met his mother's eyes and smiled, a fake, broken little thing that was more pain than joy, even after his revelation. He nodded at his mom and went upstairs, already mourning their relationship. He wasn't sure if things would ever go back to the way they were, but right now he was damn sure that this was no way for him to go on living. If he was going to survive, he was going to need to find another way.

And tonight was the night to plan that other way. He was running out of time, and if his parents got to his drums before he could, then this was never going to work.

* * *

Bobby was the only one he could get to the next day. They had AP Lang together, and it was an easy thing to twist his back in Bobby's direction, turning one shoulder far enough that he could get a hand onto Bobby's desk and drop the note with instructions right there. A few minutes later Bobby poked him in the back twice. Two days later. Thursday. He could get the van on Thursday. Alex nodded discreetly enough that no one would have thought anything of it, and something in his chest lightened. They had a place — Luke had scoped it out ages ago, and the owners were never home, so they could play with no problem — and it was big enough to house Alex's drums when they were gone. Reggie had grabbed a padlock from his work at the hardware store so they could lock the garage behind them and keep their instruments safe. All they needed now was to get Alex's drums there.

Two days later he and Bobby had slipped out of AP Lang a minute early before Jake could get there and drag Alex away. Luke and Reggie had ditched third period altogether and were waiting by Bobby's van.

"Do you two ever even go to class?" Bobby asked.

"Nope," Reggie said with a grin.

"Might get dragged back home if I showed my face here more than once every few days."

Alex winced. It was a valid concern. A quick glance showed that the rest of the band was having similar thoughts. They turned as one and looked back at the building, and Alex knew he wasn't the only one wondering if this would be the last time they'd ever see the damn building.

Luke laughed and when Alex turned to look at him, he was tossing a mock salute at the building. "Good riddance."

A laugh burst from Alex's chest, and the whole band turned to look at him in surprise. Alex's own eyes widened with shock. It wasn't that he never laughed, it was that the laughter was always tempered, or restrained. Alex never let himself out on full display. Even after the band knew the truth about his sexuality, it had still been a secret from his parents. Now there were no secrets left. Now he knew. He knew what his parents thought, he knew what his boys thought, and he knew that this was what his life was going to be from now on. It was going to be joy and music and his best friends in the whole wide world. What could be better about that?

Alex slung his arms over Luke and Reggie's shoulders, turning all of them toward the van. "Alright, Bobby, let's go get my kit."

With the four of them loading the van they were in and out in under ten minutes with the drum kit and a garbage bag full of some of Alex's clothes. They swung by Luke's place too to see what they could get out of his house, and then Bobby was following Luke's directions to the place that he'd scoped out for them. They offered to grab some stuff for Reggie, even though they all knew he'd say no. They all knew that he'd be going home more often than not, no matter that Alex and Luke would be living in the studio from now on. At least until they got enough money together to land a manger and a tour and they could actually _live_ like the musicians they all knew they were.

They unloaded Alex's drum kit and set up stands for the rest of their instruments. Once everything was in place, there was a moment where the four of them stood there together, staring at the space that was all theirs. A hushed calm settled over the room, and for a moment everything was perfect. They had this, a moment where everything made sense, and nothing else mattered in the whole world but them.

Alex had never been good with change. He'd be lying if he said that wasn't part of why he'd set all this up. Why he never wanted to go back to that shell of a home that was nothing like what he'd known it to be. If that couldn't be their space anymore, if there was no place for his music or his love in that house, then he would take all that music, all that love, and carry it to the rest of the world from their new home.

Luke broke the silence with a whoop. He practically danced over to his guitar. He lifted it from the stand and slung the strap over his shoulder. "Come on, guys. Let's practice."

Alex couldn't help himself. He darted over to his kit, sitting down behind it. The peace that settled in his bones replaced the unease that had lived there for more than a week. He grinned up at Reggie to see him smiling back with that soft look that he usually reserved for a particularly good jam session or a particularly pretty girl. "Come on, Reg. Grab your bass."

It was easy after that to lose themselves in the music. Easy for him and Luke to start busking down at the pier, with Reggie and Bobby there to join them when they weren't at work or at school. They fought and they worked and they scrounged, and six weeks later they managed to put together enough money for some studio time. To fund a few demo CDs. To start to make this dream of theirs a reality. This they could do. This they _would_ do, and they'd do it together. This, at least, never had to change.

* * *

Three months after he left home, everything changed one last time. And Alex had never been good with change. But at least this time he wasn't alone. As he clutched at Luke's hand while the life faded from his body, he knew that, somehow, his mother had still managed to put him in his grave before twenty. But he couldn't find it in him to be angry. At least he'd gotten to live these last three months free and open and _himself_ in a way that he never had under her roof. At least, for these last three months, he'd lived the life he'd always wanted to live.

He squeezed Luke's hand weakly, feeling Luke return the gesture. At least they'd had this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also have, like 800-1000 words of Miller family mourning I wrote, but I wasn't sure if that was something people were interested in, so like. hit me up if you want to see that?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I went ahead and did the thing. And my brain also decided this morning that it wanted to fuck shit up even more, so there's a third chapter coming ASAP. Probably tomorrow because I want to finish this before NaNo. Hope you enjoy! (I guess that's the word? Maybe??)

When Angeline Miller buried the son she'd run out of her home three months prior, she knew that it was her own fault that he'd died in a back alley with only two of his best friends for company. That it was her own fault that Bobby — Robert, now; he said the name had too many memories for him to hang onto it — refused to even tell her or her husband where Alex's drums were. Even having Jake tail him hadn't revealed their hideout.

Living with the knowledge that she'd driven her son to an early grave was a heavier weight than she was made to bear. But she would bear it, because to ignore her son's loss would be to deny him the life that he had lived. She wouldn't linger, she wouldn't hold his life and death over Jake or Kacey's heads, but she would make sure that they remembered. That they all remembered.

She'd thought they'd find a way back to one another. She'd known that she'd driven him away when he'd run, but she'd hoped that, one day, he'd come around and understand that they'd only wanted what they'd thought was best for him. They'd only wanted to protect him from the evils of the world. If they could have done that, then maybe this would never have happened.

But then, it was that very desire to protect that had caused this to happen in the first place. She was wholly at fault, wasn't she?

She placed a single peony on the casket. It was one of the few flowers he hadn't been deathly allergic to, and in this, at least, she would honor him. They'd offered roses at the mortuary, but it hadn't felt right. She'd denied him so much in life that honoring him the traditional way had seemed cruel. He deserved more, and better, and she hadn't been able to give him that in life. All she had left was the future ahead of her, and if Alex wasn't going to be in it, then she would need to learn to stand tall without him.

She swallowed hard. She wanted to say something, _anything_ to honor her son, but there were no words to acknowledge what he meant to her. What she'd done to him. The size of the hole that he'd left behind.

Angeline stood up and backed away, putting an arm over Kacey's shoulder on autopilot. Kacey had been crying for days, but today the tears were silent and stoic, like she knew what everyone would think if she really let herself feel. Like she didn't want to risk losing out on her mother's favor the way Alex had. Kacey shrugged Angeline's arm off as she had every other time she had tried to offer support. Even if Kacey wasn't willing to succumb to her tears in public, she wasn't about to give her mother a leg to stand on either. Angeline knew her children hated her now, and she knew that no matter how hard she tried to fight David to convince him to let her tell the kids why they'd treated Alex the way they had, she knew she'd never win that fight. He'd want them to go to their graves with their cover story about wanting Alex to be a proper Christian rather than admit that they just wanted to protect him.

So, she supposed she deserved it.

As they started shoveling earth over the coffin, Kacey let out a sob, clutching a hand to her mouth. She leaned into Jake, who wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in close. He'd been just as stoic as Kacey, the only one of the two of them that had come to dinner since Alex had died. They'd been able to pretend after he'd left, even though dinners were a mockery of what they'd been when Alex had been there. Angeline knew that both of them had talked to Alex at school over the last three months. She'd cherished those days, reveled in the light in their faces when they'd come home after talking to him. They'd whispered to one another at the top of the stairs, and for all that Angeline had tried to eavesdrop, they'd never spoken loud enough for her to hear what they said.

At least then she'd known that Alex was alive and well.

Jake met her eyes, his expression hard and unforgiving. He nodded once at her, and all at once she knew that he was only hanging around for Kacey. As soon as she was old enough, they'd be out of her reach completely. This is what "protecting" Alex had done to their family. She wondered if David would ever comprehend that.

She nodded at him, and his eyes went wide as though he hadn't expected her to respond that way. Like he hadn't thought she would understand. But she did. If she could leave, she would. She'd do anything to undo what they'd done to Alex. Anything to have him back in her arms. But the world didn't work that way, and she wasn't going to begrudge her children their feelings about their brother. They'd always loved him wholly and unconditionally. They'd probably known about Alex's… _inclinations_ long before he'd been brave enough to tell her and David. They may even have counseled him against it, Jake especially. If she thought hard, she could remember the look on his face when Alex had told them the truth. Disbelief and maybe even a little fear. He'd known, and he hadn't thought Alex would say anything.

But Alex had, and now they were here. There was no going back for any of them.

Angeline finally turned to David, his stoicism real and honest, but tempered by the tears in his eyes. He'd always had a hard time connecting with their children, and though she'd known that for years, this was more than she'd ever thought he could do. She'd assumed he wouldn't even react, that he'd stand and wait and take the condolences with all the distant sort of calm that he always had about him. She reached out to take his hand. He looked at her, lost in a way she'd forgotten he could be.

"Angeline—"

She squeezed his hand, reminding him of their promise. They were both emotional now, and if they were going to change their mind, she wanted it to be when they were both a little more level-headed. "Come on, honey. Let's go home."

The car ride was silent, Angeline at the wheel where usually she'd have let David drive. His hands had been shaking hard enough that she didn't trust him behind the wheel. The drive was interminable, and though she knew that Kacey would run straight up to her room when they got home and that Jake would follow her, she didn't try to break the silence. They all had to grieve in their own way, and if this was all they had, then they would make do. They had to.

And if, three days later, she and David tried to explain their reasoning with no luck to a sobbing, screaming Kacey and a silent, unyielding Jake, then at least she knew that they'd tried. That was all she had left, and it had to count for something. Alex had loved all of them, and even though she and David had driven him to his death, it wouldn't do to keep more secrets that could destroy the family that he'd so loved. If this could hold them together, even for a little while, then maybe it wouldn't hurt as much as it hurt now. Maybe they could find a way to mend this family that would never be whole again without their heart. Maybe they'd survive this.

Maybe things could start to be okay again. It wasn't much, but it was something. She thinks it's what Alex would have wanted. She's not sure, but it's all she has left.

If she can't have him, she at least wants to honor his memory.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry, what did you say your last name was again?"

Kacey frowned. "Miller. Kacey Miller"

The girl's eyes went wide, and she looked over at Carlos. Kacey had to make a point not to look over at him too. Carlos had made it clear that the VIP pass was legitimate, that he was Julie's brother, and that this visit really was on the up-and-up. Looking at Flynn, though, Kacey wasn't so sure.

"Look," Kacey cut in as Flynn and Carlos had a silent conversation with just their eyes. "if there's a problem, it really isn't a big deal. I don't even really—"

"No." Flynn reached out to take Kacey's hand and pull her toward the dressing room. "That's not what I meant at all. I was just surprised. I didn't think—" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. He'll— _Julie_ will be happy to see you."

Kacey didn't quite know what to say to that. It wasn't every day that a seventeen year old kid took her by the arm and dragged her somewhere. For a second, she could be fifteen again, with Alex dragging her away from a cute guy that had been chatting her up. The memory stung, but not as much as it used to. It was closer to the surface than it had been in almost twenty years, since Jake moved out to New York, but it isn't anywhere near as bad as it had been back in '95.

Flynn knocked on the dressing room door. "Julie, there's someone here to see you."

"Who is it?"

"Her name's Kacey _Miller_." Kacey blinked at the emphasis that Flynn put on her last name. There was a crash from inside the dressing room, and then the air shifted around her. A lump rose in her throat, thicker than it had been even when she'd seen the drummer appear onstage just thirty minutes ago looking so much like her brother.

Julie threw open the dressing room door a second later, nearly clocking Flynn in the face. She looked over Kacey's left shoulder rather than meeting her eyes first, but when Kacey glanced that way, there was nothing there. Julie cleared her throat, and Kacey looked back over at her. "Hi," she said, holding out a hand. "I'm Julie, of Julie and the Phantoms."

Kacey swallowed past the lump in her throat and smiled, taking Julie's hand. It was warm, and her grip was strong. It eased something in Kacey's chest. "Kacey Miller. It's great to meet you."

"Ms. Miller is here to interview you for the local paper."

Julie looked over at Carlos, arching an eyebrow at him. Kacey didn't turn quickly enough to see the look on his face, but she did catch the bemused way that Julie laughed and shook her head. The ache in her chest came back. "If— if that's alright with you," Kacey said.

Julie smiled. "Of course it is, Ms. Miller. Please, come on it."

"I have to say, this isn't my usual circuit," Kacey said as Julie led her inside. "I'm usually more on the activism side of our publication. But your brother was insistent that I come out to meet with you for this piece. Honestly I might not have taken him up on his offer if he hadn't been so insistent."

Julie nodded. "He does have a knack for annoying people until he gets what he wants."

Kacey laughed, almost missing the way that Julie's eyes cut to that spot over her left shoulder again. "Well, I'm glad he did. Your band—" The tightness comes back in Kacey's throat. "Well. Let's just say that I've been looking for something like your band for a long time."

Julie leaned forward, her face soft and open. "Really? Why's that?"

There was something knowing in the way Julie asked that had Kacey wanting to tell her everything. She had that kind of aura about her that made people want to tell her everything. Kacey had seen it before in other reporters, but this was different. This was resonant, and it pulled at her bones. "It's a long story."

"That's okay," Julie said, her eyes cutting over to that spot once again, and then staying there. "We have time."

The slip was almost too obvious, too readily noticeable. But Kacey couldn't imagine it being anything more than that. A slip.

"My brother was in a band a long time ago. Your music reminds me a lot of them."

"Oh, really? What did— does he play?"

"Did," Kacey says. "You were right the first time. He died almost thirty years ago."

"I'm so sorry."

"Thank you. It's been a long time, but sometimes I— I miss him like we lost him yesterday." Kacey looked down at her phone, wondering if she should turn on her recorder in case this was how their interview started. She didn't. This was too personal to have on tape. "He was a drummer. Sang, too, just like your drummer. In fact, your guy reminds me a lot of my brother."

Julie hummed. "That so?"

"Yeah." The smile rose, unbidden on Kacey's lips. "Yeah, he does. Alex, my brother, he... he was a good person. Kind, and understanding. Maybe too understanding for his own good." She inhaled shakily and looked over at Julie. "Our parents ran him out of the house when he was seventeen."

Julie didn't look surprised. "Why?"

"He was gay." The temperature in the room seemed to drop three degrees. "My other brother and I didn't care, but Mom and Dad... they did."

"They kicked him out?"

"Not directly." Kacey tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "They had me and Jake keep an eye on him at school in case he started seeing someone, and they wouldn't let his bandmates— his _friends_ come over to our house anymore. They always used to play at our house. But Dad didn't want them in the house anymore, and after his friend Luke came by—" Kacey blinked, unsurprised to feel tears in her eyes. She shook her head, wiping the tears away. "I'm sorry. You didn't need to hear all of this."

"No." Julie reached out to take Kacey's hand. "Go on."

"So he left. When they wouldn't let him have his friends in the house anymore, he just... left. One of his bandmates had found a place for them to crash, and that was the last time any of us heard from them."

"Were they any good?"

Kacey laughed, though the sound ached. "I wouldn't know. I was way more into pop music than their brand of music at the time. I mostly just wanted them to stop playing in the house so I could actually have a phone call with my friends without being interrupted. No, I couldn't say if they were any good. Apparently they had a few demo CDs made before they died, but I could never manage to get my hands on them. If I didn't know any better—" She shook her head. "Well. I never did manage to. But he and two of his bandmates died not too long after he left. I never even— I never really even got to say goodbye to him."

Julie squeezed her hand, startling Kacey. She'd almost forgotten where she was. "Would you like to?"

"What?"

"Say goodbye to him. Would you like to?"

Kacey frowned. "What do you mean?"

Julie looked up at that spot over her shoulder again, but when Kacey turned there was still nothing there. She looked back at Julie, who was still focused on the spot over Kacey's shoulder with a bemused look on her face. Not the expression Kacey was expecting. Then Julie looked back at her, squeezing her hand one more time. "Give me a minute."

Julie got to her feet and stepped out of the dressing room, holding the door open for a moment longer than necessary, as though waiting for someone to follow her out.

When the door shut behind her, Kacey looked over at Flynn and Carlos. "Is she always that... Is she always that way?"

"Weird, you mean?" Carlos asked. He was grinning. "Yeah, she is. It's part of her charm."

Kacey looked over at Flynn to confirm. "Yeah, she's always been a little wrapped up in her own head. You get used to dealing with it when you spend as much time with her as we do."

Time slowed, moving as though something important, something life-changing was happening right now on the other side of that door. Kacey couldn't take her eyes off of the door, even though she could feel Flynn and Carlos's eyes on her at the same time.

The door opened, and for a second Julie was backlit. She looked angelic, ethereal, and Kacey wished she'd had Dylan come along with her for photos tonight. Then Julie walked the rest of the way into the room and she was a teenager all over again.

She sat down in the same spot, sitting a little taller as she met Kacey's eyes. "If you could talk to him again, would you want to?"

"Julie—?"

"Indulge me. We can do the interview after, but I want to know. If you could talk to him, would you?"

The lump rose in Kacey's throat again, and she had to fight past it to let the words loose. "Have you ever lost someone you love, Julie?"

"I lost my mom about three years ago."

"Then you understand. If I could have one more minute with him, just to tell him that I loved him? That I was sorry for what our parents put him through? That all any of us wanted was for him to be healthy and happy and well? What would I do if I had the opportunity to talk to him again? I'd take it in a heartbeat."

Julie's smile widened. "That's what I thought." She looked up again and waved a hand through the air. Someone inhaled sharply behind her, and Kacey jumped. There shouldn't have been anyone else in the room except—"

"Dammit, Julie, you didn't give me time to get ready."

"You said you wanted to talk to her if she wanted to talk to you. I wasn't going to give you a chance to back out."

"But I'm not _ready_."

"You're never going to be ready if you stay stuck in your head like you always do."

"But Julie—"

"Alex?" The word fell from Kacey's lips, soft and uncertain. She didn't want to turn and look in case her memory was wrong. In case the years had stolen the sound of her brother's voice from her and this paltry imitation was enough to fool her. "Is that—" She swallowed. "Alex?"

Silence hung in the room for a moment that could have been an eternity. Then the person behind her sighed, and she whipped around just in time to see his mouth form the next words. "Hey Kace."

Kacey clutched her hands to her mouth. It was her brother, sure as the sun came up every morning, that stood before her, hands in his pockets and head tipped down as though to avoid her gaze. There was no way this could be happening, and yet, somehow, it was.

He looked up at her from under his bangs, as though trying to guess what she was going to say or do. She could see his shoulders hunching in the way they used to when he was particularly anxious. And he still had that damn bag slung over his shoulder, with his epipen and inhaler. God, he could have walked right out of the nineties with how he was dressed right now.

She whipped around to look, not at Julie, but at Carlos. "Is this a joke?"

Carlos's eyes went wide. "Of course not, Ms. Miller. This is— this is your brother. We thought you'd want to see him."

"My brother is _dead_. He can't— He isn't—" Kacey got to her feet, not sure what she was about to do, but certain that she needed to do _something_.

In an instant, Alex was across the room, standing between her and Carlos. "Kace. It's not his fault. If you want to blame anyone, blame Reggie." Alex's eyes cut over to something behind her, and he grinned. "What, you think I don't know that you're the one that put him up to this? I'm not an idiot." A pause. "Yeah, well then hide your interloping better. This was just depressing."

Kacey looked over her shoulder, and if she tilted her head just right, she could almost make out the outline of Luke and Reggie in the room with them too. She looked back at Alex. "This is real?"

He smiled tentatively and nodded. "Yeah, Kace. This is all real. It's hard for Julie to keep all of us visible when we're not playing which is why you can't see the other guys, but yeah. This is real."

Kacey looked over her shoulder at Julie, who was smiling back. "He should be corporeal too. If I got the combination right," she added as Alex squawked indignantly behind her.

"Julie, you can't just—"

"I can and I will, Miller. Now, take the gift and actually say something to your sister."

Kacey looked back at Alex, and all the things she'd wanted to tell him over the years — awards she'd won, boys she'd dated, _girls_ she'd dated, everything that Jake had accomplished, everything their parents had wanted him to know — disappeared from her mind. She just stared up at him, voice soft as she spoke the single most important three words. "I missed you."

Alex pulled his hands from his pockets, his eyes wide as he stared at her. "Kacey—"

She launched herself forward, trusting in Julie that she would actually be able to feel her brother. As she wrapped her arms around his chest, pulling him in close, she could feel the way he tensed up against her. "I missed you."

Alex was still for a long moment. He returned her embrace slowly, gently, right up until the moment she tightened her grip around him, something in her desperate to test the extent to which Julie had been correct about his corporeal nature. He grunted, then tightened his own grip around Kacey's shoulders. She may have been taller no than he was then, but something about this, about _Alex_ had her wanting to burrow deeper into his chest. She was four again, hiding with him after a bad nightmare. She was seven, clinging to him during a scary movie. She was thirteen, crying about the boy she liked that was dating the coolest girl in school.

She was _home_.

There was quiet murmuring in the room and the temperature seemed to warm. The door opened and closed, and when Kacey finally pulled back, the room was empty of everyone but her, Alex, and Julie, who was sitting at the dressing table with her headphones in her hands. She smiled at the two of them, something wistful in her expression. "I have to be here to keep him visible and corporeal, but Flynn, Carlos, and the guys left." She lifted her headphones half-heartedly. "I hope this is okay?"

Kacey released Alex to walk over to Julie, wrapping her in her arms as tightly as she had Alex. "Thank you, Julie. You have no idea what you've given me."

Julie hesitated just as Alex had, but after a moment she returned the embrace. "I think I have an inkling."

Kacey squeezed her tight before she pulled away. "I know your mother would have been proud of you."

Julie's eyes went bright with tears. She looked down and nodded once. Then she looked over at Alex and smiled. "I'm pretty sure I can keep you corporeal for half an hour. Don't waste it."

"Don't worry." Kacey turned to see Alex looking back at her with his own eyes brighter than usual. "We won't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the piece that keeps on growing. I'm planning to do one more installment with Alex's POV of the fallout from this chapter, but we'll see when/if that happens. Also this may need to become a series, delving into the boys' pasts. We'll see. I hope you enjoyed!!


	4. Chapter 4

Alex wasn't sure how long he spent waiting for Willie to appear. He knew it was a long shot, that Willie had been leaning into what it meant to be free, been discovering all the joys that he'd never been allotted while under Caleb's control, and Alex couldn't begrudge him that. Still, he liked to think that he was important to Willie, and that he'd come when Alex called. So Alex had reached across that aching tether, stretched a hand out for Willie, and tugged. Gently, of course.

He was starting to wonder if Willie had noticed the tug at all.

Just as he was about to leave, the air shifted, and Willie settled on the bench beside him.

Alex relaxed. Willie had felt him. "Hey, Willie."

Willie took his helmet off. "Hey, hot dog."

The smile that came to Alex's face was unintended, but whole and relaxing nonetheless. "Still don't like that nickname."

Willie didn't smile back. He was searching Alex's face for something. He didn't seem to find it. He scooted closer to Alex on the back of the bench, resting his hand in the space between them. He pressed his pinky against Alex's thigh, a silent offer of contact. "What's going on?"

Alex tried to keep smiling, but it felt half-hearted. Incomplete. Fake. He'd never wanted to be fake with Willie. He looked down at his own hands resting in his lap and tried to piece together enough of an explanation that Willie would be able to understand. He didn't have the right words, but then, he'd never had the right words. That was always Luke's domain more than it was his. "I saw my sister."

Willie tensed next to him. Alex swallowed, eyes staying fixed on his hands, unable and unwilling to look up to meet Willie's eyes if he wasn't cool with all of this. Slowly, Willie relaxed, but Alex could feel the uncertainty radiating off of him. "Was, uh. Was Julie..."

"She was there. It was after one of our gigs. I guess— I guess her little brother set it up."

Willie laughed, and the sound seemed punched out of him, as though there was no other way he could respond. "Carlos definitely is a troublemaker."

Alex looked up at Willie, and for the first time today he could see the familiar relaxed tilt of his shoulders. He could feel the familiar warmth of Willie's smile. He reached up to cup the back of Willie's head, hand at the base of his skull. Willie's eyes went wide. Then he blinked, smiled softly, and let Alex pull him into a kiss.

It was softer than Alex had expected. Warm and somehow familiar, despite this being the first time they'd kissed. Alex pressed in closer against Willie, who returned the gesture, wrapping an arm around Alex's waist and urging him closer. It was awkward, doing this on the back of a bench, but Alex couldn't find it in him to care. It was the best thing that had happened to him since Julie had saved them from their purgatory. This was a boy, holding tight to him and kissing him back. He'd never thought he'd get to have this, and maybe talking to Kacey had brought some of that fear back. Maybe that was why he'd been so desperate to see Willie again.

Willie softened the kiss, pulling back slowly enough that Alex knew it wasn't from distaste. Still, he lingered once Willie had pulled away completely, his lips parted and warmth swimming in his chest. Willie gave him a few moments before he lifted his hand to the back of Alex's neck too, running his thumb along the tendon in his neck. "What was that about?"

Alex wet his lips, his eyes still closed. "I needed to remember."

"Remember what?"

Alex took a moment, waiting until his chest burned with the imagined need to breathe. He inhaled slowly and opened his eyes to meet Willie's. "Remember that there are good things in this mess of an afterlife."

Willie's eyes went wide. "Alex—"

"She said she didn't want to see me after last night." Willie winced at Alex's words, but Alex kept going, not giving him a chance to speak. "It makes sense. It's not like she can go tell our parents that I'm a ghost now, or call up our brother Jake and tell him to fly home from New York to see me. I'm dead. I don't get to impose on the lives they've built over the last thirty years."

"Alex—"

"No, just. Just let me finish." Willie's teeth clacked as he snapped his jaw shut, and Alex couldn't help the smile that spread over his lips. "We all have lives that we've built since I died. Lives that don't involve one another anymore. Yes, it was great for both of us to get that closure, but that doesn't mean we get to keep that. She's moved forward, moved _on_ since I died, and so have I. She told me enough about Jake and our parents that I don't need to reach out for that part of my life anymore. I don't need to go see my brother and tell him that I turned out okay. I don't need to go see my parents to prove to them that I'm still a good person even though I'm gay. I don't need any of that. I just need my music and the future that I can build with Julie and the guys." Alex bit his lip, cutting his eyes over to Willie. "And you, if that's something you want."

Willie's eyes went wide. "Alex, I—" He swallowed. "Of course that's something I want."

Alex smiled. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against Willie's. He inhaled slowly, ignoring as he always did that it wasn't something he necessarily needed to do. It was comforting, that ability to draw a full breath after a lifetime of never being able to, and it relaxed him in ways that he didn't dare voice to anyone else. Yet. "I'm glad."

Willie hesitated for a moment. Before Alex could pull away to ask what was wrong, Willie had pulled him in to kiss him again. Alex made a surprised sound in the back of his throat, but Willie leaned on closer, nipping at his bottom lip before Alex could even think of pulling away. Alex responded in kind, reaching both hands up to cup the back of Willie's head and pull him in closer. He could feel Willie smiling against him. As soon as Willie had his hands where he wanted them — one at Alex's nape, one at the small of his back — he pulled Alex in closer, nipping at his lip again. Alex's lips fell open in surprise and hope, and Willie smiled against him. As Willie slipped his tongue past Alex's lips, Alex melted into his touch, warmth and hope and desperation in his lungs and his limbs.

He was struck all at once with the knowledge that he had no idea when Willie was alive. When he was born. If they would have ever even met one another if they'd both lived their full lives. Desperate and not a little fearful, Alex pulled back just far enough to search Willie's eyes. "When you're ready," he said before Willie could try to pull away, "I want to know about your life. What you did, who you loved, who loved you. All of that. I've told you so much, but I never— I never gave you a chance to tell me the same in turn."

"Alex—"

"Kacey was right. I'm not alive anymore, and it's unreasonable of me to think that I can affect the living world with anything more than my music."

"That's not—"

"But this, us, the band and me, _you_ and me. Those are things that make sense. Those are things that I can impact. Those are things that I want to focus on."

"Right, but—"

"And it doesn't have to be right now. Whenever you're ready, I just." Alex stopped short and looked down, his undead heart thumping in his chest at the thought of Willie's reaction. "I want to know everything about you."

Willie didn't say anything. Alex could feel the anxiety racing through him as though he still had a body, even though this one wasn't always corporeal. He wet his lips and swallowed past his dry throat. (He'd long since come to terms with the fact that there were parts of this ghost thing that didn't seem to follow any reasonable rules, and his physiology was one of those things.) He blinked hard, trying to force back the nervous tears as he waited for Willie's judgment.

Willie moved the hand and Alex's naps slowly until it was cupping his cheek. "Hey," he whispered. Alex blinked one more time before he looked up to meet Willie's eyes. Willie smiled at him. "I want that too."

Alex wrinkled his nose. "But I've already told you so much."

Willie chuckled before he leaned in and kissed the tip of Alex's nose. "No, Alex. I want to tell you about my life."

The tension in Alex's chest loosened. "Yeah?"

Willie nodded. "Yeah. I've never told anybody any of it, and I know there are things that—" He swallowed, then shook his head. "But I want you to know. I want to tell you and I want you to know all of it. I want to share that with you. If that's something you want, it's something that I want too, okay?"

Alex blinked hard again, then let the nervous smile that had been hiding behind his teeth slip onto his lips. "Okay."

Wille's smile widened, and he pulled Alex in close again, resting their foreheads together. Alex went slightly cross-eyed trying to see Willie's face, but when he did, all he saw there was peace.

Alex swallowed. "Willie—"

"Shh. Just… just turn that big brain of yours off for a minute, Alex." He ran a thumb over Alex's cheek. Somehow that felt more intimate than the kisses they'd already shared. Skin-to-skin and Alex could _feel_ the affection in the motion. Could feel the way Willie was completely tuned into him. It was everything Alex had been sure he'd never get while he was alive, and to have it now was almost too much to handle. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, leaning into the ache of all of this as though that might make it a little less intense. A little less strange. Willie hummed, and Alex could almost feel the whisper of Willie's breath over his lips. Willie brushed his lips against Alex's once, twice, thrice, before Alex couldn't take it anymore. He leaned in and kissed Willie soundly, taking his bottom lip into his mouth despite the pounding in his chest and the fact that he nearly swooned from the way Willie melted into him.

Not that he'd ever admit that to the guys. This was strictly between him and Willie.

When Willie finally pulled back, Alex couldn't make himself open his eyes. He wanted to linger in this, to remember all that Willie had given him, and hang onto that for as long as he could. This was everything he'd wanted, and somehow it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. Alex leaned forward just far enough to brush his lips against Willie's again, and Willie laughed, soft and warm. "There you are."

Alex's breath hitched, and he opened his eyes. He had to pull back to keep from going cross-eyed again, and if Willie swayed into his space as he retreated, Alex would keep that to himself too. "Thank you."

Willie made a questioning sound, reaching up to tuck the lock of Alex's hair that had fallen loose behind his ear.

"For coming when I asked. I know you've been trying to figure out what your unfinished business is, but—"

"What?"

Alex pulled back a little further. "That's why you left, isn't it? To figure out your unfinished business?"

"I left to give you time, Alex. You looked— you were so uncertain after you guys and Julie got rid of Caleb. Like none of you quite knew how to handle it, or what to do with the rest of your afterlife. I wasn't about to get in the middle of that."

"But I wanted you there." Willie's eyes widened, but Alex kept going, unwilling to let himself overthink this. "I've wanted you here since the day I met you, Willie. Always."

"You mean that?"

"Of course I mean that." Alex reached up to cup Willie's face in his hands. "You're one of the best things that's happened to me since I died."

"Other than Julie."

Alex hesitated. "Is… that going to be a problem?"

"No." Willie's eyes went wide. "No, of course not, Alex. She's the reason I ever even got to meet you. I'm as indebted to her as you are." He ran his thumb over Alex's cheek again, which was positively unfair. There was no reason Willie should be able to leave Alex this breathless when he didn't even need to breathe. Willie leaned in again, lips parted. "I want her to be happy just as much as you do. Because she makes you happy."

"And me being happy makes you happy?"

"Yes." The certainty in that single word was enough to bring Alex up short. "You're the best thing that's happened to me since I sold my soul to Caleb. There's no way I could be or feel anything less than incredible when you're happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you, Alex. Your comfort and contentment. And if I can be a part of that, well, so much the better."

Alex pulled Willie in close again. Close enough to taste his smile one more time. "Okay. Then let's make sure you stay close to me for the foreseeable future, yeah?"

"No more skating Justin Bieber's empty pool?"

Alex grinned. "Only if you take me with you and teach me to skate."

Wille pulled back, his face shifting slowly into a stunned smile. "Yeah?"

Alex thought for a moment of what Kacey would think of all this. What she'd see in this interaction and what she'd think of him running off with someone he'd only met after death.

Then he realized that it didn't matter. They'd made their peace with one another, and she'd told him that it would be best if he didn't seek out Jake or their parents. What he had left was his afterlife, and that meant the band and Willie. The rest of it could wait.

"Yeah," he said. "In fact, let's go now."

And in that moment, Willie's answering smile made all the rest — the pain and the loss and the wondering — worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALEX GOT HIS SMOOCHES YAY
> 
> Anyway thanks for encouraging me to keep working on this; it's been a real joy to process through this with y'all. Thanks for sticking with me!


End file.
